I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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