That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
