wrigley field is MILF paradise
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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