I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
