Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
