HIV tests are more positive than that guy
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
