The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
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