Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
He did a backflip because drugs
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize