Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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