We're facebook friends in real life
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Randomize
