So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
