I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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