I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
please don't ironically join a cult
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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