No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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