My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
Randomize
