How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
