best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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