So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
