were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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