I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
