Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
