I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
As shirtless as possible
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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