The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
