My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
