i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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