How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Two words: blizzard sex
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
