Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Randomize