My sheets look like a crime scene.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
