So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
