help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize