rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
