so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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