About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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