Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
