One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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