Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I can tuck mytits in my pants
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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