There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
