Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
don't judge my taste in strippers
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize