What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
