I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Randomize
