in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
