It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
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