I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
