I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I have feelings that need drinking.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
