you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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