I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Randomize
