textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
