can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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