You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
