I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
