i was born a porn star she said
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
