Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
