did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
