You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
