Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Randomize
