So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Randomize