you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
