Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
