So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
