worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Dick very happy bro
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
