I wish i was in the wii world.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
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