Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
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