Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Randomize
