The maid of honor just puked.
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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