This is not my ceiling
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize