Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
