i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
