U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize