Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
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