reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
